Admissions Humor

Admissions Humor

Date: Fri, 06 Feb 1998 14:13:22 -0500

An abridged description of parents found at college night programs, by Dr. Doug Kennedy

-THE CRINGER- Out-of-State parents whose faces go into a massive cringe with eyes bugging out when they realize they're looking at the in-state tuition by mistake.

-INVISIBLE SON- Child is completely unmotivated to attend college so they collect one brochure from every school in the hope that one will appeal to their child. Also recognized by massive biceps caused by toting 75 pounds of brochures.

-DEER CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS- Completely amazed at the overwhelming number of choices. Face reflects a blank stare that is transfixed straight ahead so that they aren't confronted by any more recruiters.

-WHAT DID WE DO WRONG?- Very presentable parents trailed by their delinquent son/daughter whose pants are barely hanging on, hair looks like it was the result of massive electrical shock, and responds to parents' questions by muttering "whatever."

-MY CHILD IS VERY ACTIVE IN EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES- When they stress this repeatedly it means "My child is currently failing every class and has a standing reservation for summer school."

-THE RIDDLER- Has the most amazing variety of questions, each of which is more obscure than the next. Examples include: "What are the dimensions of the stalls in the bathrooms?", "Do the professors use colored chalk", "What is the molecular composition of the clay used in the bricks found on campus."

-VULCAN MIND-MELD- Incessantly repeats all of their child's attributes for 15 minutes straight in the hope that they will hypnotize you into blurting out "Okay, they're accepted, I said so, you have witnesses."

-KNOW-IT-ALL- Has all the answers for questions that other parents are asking. Usually they demonstrate their true knowledge by saying "I pass you all the time on Route 127 in Frankfort."

-THE LOCAL- Much like the Know-It-All, but manages to slip the following into the conversation to show their expertise: "I grew up right next door to the University....in Paducah."

-FORGET WHAT'S-HIS-NAME- Typically a frowning father who is following his college-bound daughter as she visits school booths while holding her gang-member soon-to-be-incarcerated boyfriend's hand.

-THE STALKER- Hangs back 25 feet away as their child visits each booth. Also recognized by their hearing which resembles that of a bat and is demonstrated by their ability to swoop in and ask "How much is the tuition" at the very moment that their child is about to end conversation and walk away.

-THE STEALTH BOMBER- Never seen except for a disembodied hand that will out of nowhere snatch a brochure by reaching covertly around other people, or from behind them by reaching through their legs.

-EL OBSCURO- Looking for the most obscure array of majors and professing complete confidence that they are offered by other schools. Examples include Meteorology, Wind-up Toy Design, Intergalactic Studies, and Phrenology.