Microsoft Responds to Government Pressure
Microsoft Responds to Government Pressure
Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 10:55:01 -0400
In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice,
the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the
federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed
sum. "It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth",
said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a
positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the
White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of
the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government
is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly
and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with
Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States
government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to
give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled
and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a
"proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their
"full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning
several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in
his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft
headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would
"of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed,
"and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored
attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives
closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able
to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on
all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft --------------- Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ
"MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers,
and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products
and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with
the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to
take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every day.
About the United States ----------------------- Founded in 1789, the
United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for
over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is
a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
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